I know it’s the same title as a movie I watched once, although I don’t even remember who all was in it. I think Shirley McClain was one of the main characters. I chose the title because it’s really the way I feel about now. Kind of out there on the edge, the edge of what I’m not certain right now.
A couple of weeks ago I got a phone call from my brother asking me how things were going with my house and everything. Naturally my response at that time was that all seemed well, you know the normal confusion and hassles of getting moved and trying to get it done in somewhat of an orderly fashion. While all the time in the back of my mind I’m wondering at why he was calling. My brother rarely, if ever, calls me for anything. He doesn't even return the texts when I send them wishing him a happy birthday or happy fathers day. I've been told that's just him and for me not to take it personal, I just think it's pretty rude of him.
I need to regress here a little. The house he was asking about was our Mother’s house. She passed away in January of 2002 and left the house and property to me. I lived there with my husband for about four years after she passed. While it is an entirely different subject, therefore as far as this post is concerned I’ll say only that my marriage did not work out. Michael was a decent guy in reality; we started out as friends and basically ended that way as well because he was just not exactly husband material. Although we never took any legal action regarding our marriage, according to a lot of folks, he and I had probably the most amicable of separations.
Regardless, he is just another factor in the situation I find myself right now; a situation that began as a downhill slide triggered within a few months of Mom’s passing. So much of what I had buried in what I had thought were the farthest reaches of the back of my mind have now come flooding back to the forefront of my thoughts again.
My Mother was very clear with her request and what was to be both required and gained by accepting it. Although at the time when she and I originally talked about it, I had already made the decision to move back home regardless of what she was offering. A couple of years before I actually made the move, Mom had suffered a debilitating heart attack and found life alone was pretty difficult to say the least. Regardless, she made the offer that whoever decided to move in with her and take care of her would get the house (a mobile home actually) and the ground it sat on.
It wasn’t until sometime after Mom had passed away that I discovered the fact that she had left the house and property to me already, a couple of years before she even had her heart attack. According to Aunt Sue, the decision to leave this to me was based on the fact that she had helped all of my sisters obtain their first homes by giving them a substantial portion if not all of the required down payment. She told Aunt Sue that she had not been able to do that for me, so she decided that in order to be fair, she would leave me the mobile home she was living in. She had also told Aunt Sue that if it wasn't something I wanted, then I would at least have something I could sell that might help me get into something I actually wanted.
Mom and I had talked about the fact that I had not been around for a long time, I had been in the Army for 13 years, then married someone from Texas and decided to make my home down there. She talked about all the things she had already given my sisters over the years, stating that I had never been around to give things to like they were. It was during one of those ‘morbid’ conversations, as I would call them that she told me to go through the house and pick out some of the things I thought I would like to have.
Reluctantly I did, there wasn’t much really. There was this antique ceramic bean pot and a set of ceramic oil and vinegar canisters that I always liked. I told her also that I wanted that picture over the TV that had been Dad’s. It was nothing special really, a plastic canvas scene of a lake and some trees. It was a light up picture, with a florescent bulb behind the image. I wanted it because it was Dads. There were a few other little trinkets, Mom’s bird collection. Most of them were made out of that resin plastic, but there were a few made of ceramic or porcelain that I told her I wanted. I also wanted her teacup and saucer collection. Although there was very few pieces left of either collection, I wanted them. I kept her bell collection as well, all three pieces. I can remember when she had boxes of them, all three of those collections. It didn’t matter to me, I had what I wanted no matter how few the pieces were now.
Anyway, getting back to the phone call from my brother. He was actually calling because he found out that the property was listed in the Morning Journal Newspaper as a pending foreclosure for unpaid back taxes. Wow! Was that a shock to me!
While Michael and I agreed to separate in the spring of 2006, it was me that decided to move out. I had other places to go and I knew that he did not. So I had moved in with my Aunt Sue for a while, leaving him to go ahead and continue living in the trailer. As I said, even though our marriage did not work, we had remained friends and I wasn’t going to just throw him out on the street. There was a written agreement in place and I did my best to help him out. I even gave him one of my vehicles to get back and forth to work or whatever else he needed. I even paid the insurance on it.
I knew he didn’t make all that much money. So we agreed that I would keep the telephone and the electric on over there, they were in my name. I would pay those bills as well as the Equity Loan payment because it was always my intention to move back in over there. For his part, he was supposed to keep up on the taxes, a lesser amount of money per month; especially if it was spread out over a 12-month period rather than every six months like I was paying them. This had never been a permanent arrangement, just until he could get his affairs in order, get packed up and do whatever was necessary to get himself moved back down to Texas. Unfortunately it took a lot longer than I had originally thought it would and with devastating results all the way around.
That phone call came in the early evening hours, just after dinner on a Thursday and I took the next day, Friday off so I could deal with it. After contacting the Columbiana County Auditors Office I discovered that the last time they had received any tax payment was in 2007 when I went in there and paid it in person. I asked the clerk what if anything could be done to stop this process and she explained that if I paid a specified sum of money by the end of the month it would take the property out of foreclosure status.
So, now I’m jumping through hoops to come up with whatever I can. I know that some folks will probably think I’m a real bitch for some of my attitude right now and quite frankly I don’t even care anymore. That has always been my problem; I’ve always placed other people’s feelings above my own. I’ve always gone way out on a limb for people, trying to help in whatever way I could and all too often to my own detriment.
And as usual, when I need it there is very little if any help out there for me. It’s pretty ridiculous if you think about it. I do not qualify for any type of assistance because I do not have under aged children living in my home. At one point here this past summer I went to the Jobs and Family Services there in Lisbon and then the Welfare office to see if there were any benefits that I could qualify for that would help reduce the financial stress a little bit, even just for a little while. But because I actually own my home (me and the bank that is) and I own my car (the piece of rusty junk that it is) and I have no children, guess what… There are no programs out there for people like me in the situation I’m in.
I guess the part that makes me the most upset is when I was talking to a friend about my situation. She and her husband bring in more money than we do, granted their bills are higher as well. But because there are three children in the house there are so many other benefits that are automatically theirs. When she and I were talking and I was telling her about what I was going through, she said “Oh, I know what you mean” I was angry enough that I snapped out “No you don’t.” I wasn’t polite about it and I wasn’t trying to be either. It was the first time in memory that I actually spoke my mind on a personal matter without really caring how it sounded.
I’ve always said that if I were ever lucky enough to win some really major lottery, I probably wouldn’t have the money for very long. Because I would be out there helping people like me, single people who are struggling with making their house payments, who own their own vehicle so they can get to and from work and most importantly DO NOT HAVE KIDS living in the same house with them. I would be telling people, if you have kids, go elsewhere! But then again, I would probably be sued for discrimination.
Anyway, getting back to actual meat of this particular post. It has been a very long and hard eight years since Mom passed away, complicated by selfishness and greed. I have followed the advice of some of my older relatives for all these years, just dealing with it, keeping everything to myself and talking about it really to nobody. But that’s all bullshit and I’ve decided that I’m not going to ‘suffer in silence’ anymore.
I’ve been behind in the payments on Mom’s property for the greater majority of the time since it was transferred into my name. Chase Bank went ahead with the assumption loan about a year or so after Mom passed even though I did not qualify for it. They only did it because one it’s illegal to have a loan in a deceased persons name and two was the fact that they knew that the monthly payments had been coming from me, from my personal bank account, which was National City. They have been wonderful people, working with me when my funds were just not stretching very far.
I got behind within a few months following Mom’s passing because of all the bullshit that two of my sisters pulled. Personally, then nor now do I care what kind of relationship they either had or didn’t have with Mom. We are all grown adults, responsible for our own actions whether they be right, wrong or indifferent. It may seem impossible to some, but I’ll state this before I continue with this post; while I do not hate my sisters and I really don't, I simply have absolutely no real use for them either.
It’s crazy how things can come flooding back to you, no matter how deeply you believe you have buried them. The memory of them sitting there at Mom’s kitchen table going through all of her papers and finances and it wasn’t even 24 hours since she had passed away. It wasn’t as if they were trying to figure out what had to be done either. They were looking for the papers that would tell them the value of the house and property.
I was personally still in shock over having woke that morning to find my Mother deceased and all they could think about was the money. While my youngest sister said nothing with reference the house or property, Jackie made it very clear that it was her intention to use her position as Executor of the Will to sell everything, the house and property included and split the money. It was hard to deal with her callousness when I told her that if she sold the house and property I would be out in the street, she flat out told me that she didn’t care.
Can’t you just feel the love there! Wow, I was shocked on top of being already shocked. There were several other comments made over the span of that first week that let me know she really meant what she was saying. Sitting in Mom’s bedroom a couple of days later she stated to me in a very matter of fact tone that I was crazy if I thought she was going to allow me to live in this house while she made payments on a credit card that she shared with Mom.
That’s what it was all about. It’s a rather interesting subject and I have to say, I very much agree with Aunt Sue when she explained everything to me, something that was also substantiated by another individual who shall remain nameless out of respect for the fact that they don’t care if I say this to other people in person, they just don’t want their name out here on the internet.
I know it happens in all households, no matter how old you get Mom and Dad are always there to help you, at least it has always been that way for me. Kids borrow money all the time from their parents, sometimes they pay it back and sometimes they don't. Obviously after my Dad passed away my Mom’s income was greatly reduced, however her credit rating remained very good. She applied for and was approved for four individual credit cards that she earmarked for a specific purpose, us girls. When any of us asked to borrow money, she would get a cash advance from the specific credit card she had marked for that particular daughter. It made it easier for her to keep track of who borrowed what, she had a small ledger that she recorded the payments in.
In the beginning I didn’t know what happen with the one she got for Jackie, why it was different. But on that one she apparently applied for it as a joint card rather than just in her own name. This would make Jackie responsible for any balance remaining on the card at the time of Mom’s death, unlike the rest of us. Mom never really discussed any of this with me. Although she did (sort of) tell me about it. It was during only one conversation about the payment ledger. She brought it all out and told me what she had done, getting an individual credit card tentatively for each one of us.
Apparently the reason the one she had for Jackie was a joint account was because of the fact that it was being used to help Jackie pay for her schooling. Jackie had gone to nursing school and while there was a lot of assistance programs out there for a single mother, there were still things required for school that would have to be paid out of pocket. This is what Aunt Sue told me that Mom told her. Personally I don't see where there had been a need for Mom to make that card a joint one verses the same as the rest of them. But Mom can be pretty sutbborn about things.
The only reason she even brought this up to me, I believe was because there had been a few payments made by Margie that were not recorded in the ledger. These payments were made during the time she was in the hospital following her heart attack. Mom’s live in fiancé was responsible for entering this information in the book and apparently had not done so. Mom wanted to know if there were any missing payments on my page of that ledger. If the subject of missing payments had not come up, I do not think Mom would have even told me about the credit cards at all.
I can understand Jackie’s reactions, apparently that credit card had an extremely high balance and without a fight she was going to end up responsible for it. I don’t care what the situation would be; I would never ever throw a family member out on the street. Period, end of subject. Especially in the cold and callous way that she was going about it.
The events that took place during those first few weeks following Mom’s passing sent my life into a downward spiral that I have yet to completely emerge from on any level. Jackie just perched herself right there in Mom’s chair at the table and started going through all the paperwork they could find and the sun had not even gone down yet! There was no time for mourning the loss of a loved one, your Mother. She sat there 'large and in charge' and proceeded to completely ruined my life.
Even the money that Mom had added onto the Equity Loan on the property was cause for arguments that should never have happened. Everything was already set up by Mom, there really wasn’t anything for anyone to do except pay what was legally required to be paid and then divide up the remainder of the funds. Pretty simple, until you add greed.
Because it is not my intention to actually publish a post as a novel for television, I’m going to close this for now.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Passive Aggression, Understanding the Source
While the term presents itself more like an oxymoron, it can have devastating affects on the target. It is a form of abuse no matter how you look at it. It is inflicted in both words and actions. While the aggressor in the situation may or may not even know the ‘why’ that this is happening, it is extremely frustrating for the individual ‘feeling’ the affects of their behavior. Passive aggression is used as a means of ‘controlling’ a situation but more often a person. While not applicable to everyone suffering from this behavior, an improper balance of narcissism is all too often to root of this behavior.
While narcissism itself is not always evil, when combined with angry or threatening emotions the narcissism is then played out through acts of passive aggression. More often than not, the narcissist has the need to remain aloof from the situation or person so that they can maintain that deception of noninvolvement. Therein lies the inability to identify the behavior, especially when it is not directed to you yourself. The ‘victim’ of this action is often ridiculed (however positively or constructively) that they have simply misunderstood what the ‘aggressor’ has said or done.
Whether anyone has ever studied or heard about Buddhist Spiritual beliefs, the world of television has provoked an interest in many of the teachings. Looking at the ratings, there are a lot people out there that enjoy the karate type movies. One of the quotes in an early Chuck Norris flick (repeated many times over in others) was “To take no action is an action” which is pulled directly from the teachings of Masters at Buddhist Temples all over the world.
However in reality there are specific signals and signs that identify the passive aggressor or the narcissist in your life. Personally I think the hardest part of attempting to identify these people and their actions is trying to ascertain the ‘why’ of it. Understanding why someone has a problem with you can make the process of dealing with the situation much easier, but that is a rarity. Simply because historically the aggressor is not going to sit down with you and actually address this situation in an objective manner. The key to dealing with these types of people is to simply to ‘take no action’ however difficult that may seem.
In my case most of the posts made so far in this blog have been brief discussions that have come as a result of having to deal with these types of people throughout most of my life; unfortunately they have been family members. Because of my own inherent inability to draw distinctive lines between what is in reality acceptable behavior within a familial definition. Meaning that I have historically forced myself to be extremely tolerant of this type of behavior from family members just because they are family and for absolutely no other reason. I believe this to be one of the major factors in why these situations tend to leave me with so much heart pain, because family can hurt me so much faster and deeper than anyone else just be virtue of being family.
I have historically suffered from an almost obsessive compulsive need to constantly ‘fix it’ to do whatever necessary ‘make the situation right’ even to my own detriment. I have never been able to put myself first in anything. Until only recently, when a situation ‘went wrong’ so to speak (and for the lack of better term right now) my immediate reaction to the situation or person was to put the blame on myself. I would completely convince myself that the only reason someone would interact with me in this manner was because of something that I did to him or her.
Convinced that I was ultimately responsible for the reason that this person was treating me this way. I would spend months, even years berating myself as I struggled within my own mind to figure out just what it was I did to make them do what they were doing. I never once considered the fact that I probably had absolutely nothing to do with it what so ever.
Since the renewal of various relationships that I have unwittingly allowed to become what I call ‘dormant’ I am now able to begin looking at many things differently, people included. The ‘suddenly waking up’ that I spoke briefly with Darlene about that day over lunch was my own personal epiphany. While it has been a long process, I can now look at things; people in particular, a lot differently. Rebuilding the platform of self-worth has been the foundation of this very personal and almost inspirational journey.
While narcissism itself is not always evil, when combined with angry or threatening emotions the narcissism is then played out through acts of passive aggression. More often than not, the narcissist has the need to remain aloof from the situation or person so that they can maintain that deception of noninvolvement. Therein lies the inability to identify the behavior, especially when it is not directed to you yourself. The ‘victim’ of this action is often ridiculed (however positively or constructively) that they have simply misunderstood what the ‘aggressor’ has said or done.
Whether anyone has ever studied or heard about Buddhist Spiritual beliefs, the world of television has provoked an interest in many of the teachings. Looking at the ratings, there are a lot people out there that enjoy the karate type movies. One of the quotes in an early Chuck Norris flick (repeated many times over in others) was “To take no action is an action” which is pulled directly from the teachings of Masters at Buddhist Temples all over the world.
However in reality there are specific signals and signs that identify the passive aggressor or the narcissist in your life. Personally I think the hardest part of attempting to identify these people and their actions is trying to ascertain the ‘why’ of it. Understanding why someone has a problem with you can make the process of dealing with the situation much easier, but that is a rarity. Simply because historically the aggressor is not going to sit down with you and actually address this situation in an objective manner. The key to dealing with these types of people is to simply to ‘take no action’ however difficult that may seem.
In my case most of the posts made so far in this blog have been brief discussions that have come as a result of having to deal with these types of people throughout most of my life; unfortunately they have been family members. Because of my own inherent inability to draw distinctive lines between what is in reality acceptable behavior within a familial definition. Meaning that I have historically forced myself to be extremely tolerant of this type of behavior from family members just because they are family and for absolutely no other reason. I believe this to be one of the major factors in why these situations tend to leave me with so much heart pain, because family can hurt me so much faster and deeper than anyone else just be virtue of being family.
I have historically suffered from an almost obsessive compulsive need to constantly ‘fix it’ to do whatever necessary ‘make the situation right’ even to my own detriment. I have never been able to put myself first in anything. Until only recently, when a situation ‘went wrong’ so to speak (and for the lack of better term right now) my immediate reaction to the situation or person was to put the blame on myself. I would completely convince myself that the only reason someone would interact with me in this manner was because of something that I did to him or her.
Convinced that I was ultimately responsible for the reason that this person was treating me this way. I would spend months, even years berating myself as I struggled within my own mind to figure out just what it was I did to make them do what they were doing. I never once considered the fact that I probably had absolutely nothing to do with it what so ever.
Since the renewal of various relationships that I have unwittingly allowed to become what I call ‘dormant’ I am now able to begin looking at many things differently, people included. The ‘suddenly waking up’ that I spoke briefly with Darlene about that day over lunch was my own personal epiphany. While it has been a long process, I can now look at things; people in particular, a lot differently. Rebuilding the platform of self-worth has been the foundation of this very personal and almost inspirational journey.
Finding or Identifying The Starting Point…
The trigger is different for everyone. Yet there are various points in all of our lives where we have experienced this sort of epiphany; a sudden realization or an abrupt leap of understanding. It is an experience that is usually triggered by a seemingly ordinary but striking occurrence in our lives. While ‘epiphany’ itself is a relatively new term for this, we have all experienced that moment of ‘a light just came on’ or ‘out of the blue’ something will hit us.
One of my favorite descriptions of this event is getting out of the forest so you can see the trees. When we are overwhelmed or obsessed with something, our vision can become more and more narrow regarding the subject. I have discovered (if only recently) that simply walking away from something for a specified period of time is probably the best move a person can do in most situations. Naturally the more impact the situation has on our lives the harder it is to walk away, even for a short while. However, in the interest of self-preservation, this is exactly what needs to be done and especially when the situation is very ‘close to home’ so to speak.
Unfortunately, unlike the title of this particular post, I have not as of yet identified exactly what that starting point is for me. I cannot really put a finger on exactly when this ‘epiphany’ struck me that sent me down this particular path of my life’s journey. I can only identify what I believe are the factors that laid the ground work for my ability to actually step back and say to myself that I needed to do something.
Over this past summer, my Facebook Friends list has grown extensively as compared to the growth during the year between its creation and now. Among these friends can be found a friend that I had not seen or communicated with since High School, which in and of itself is not so much different than with most of the names and faces that appear on that list. However, I went to lunch with Darlene (Brown) Kissel, a young lady from my Graduating Class whom I did very much call a friend in that ‘way back then’ time period in my life.
I bring up that lunch because it was really a very nice time and I enjoyed myself a lot. Darlene is a really cool person and I hope we remain friends and share many more luncheons together in the years to come. As we sat there that day, just talking, doing some reminiscing (which often happens with old friends) I made the comment to her that I felt as if I had just woken up from a very long sleep and my mind had not yet grasped the new day so to speak. That is exactly how I felt about a great many things in my life at that point and still do in a many ways. Because over the last decade, primarily since my return to Ohio; there have been events that had the affects of what I can now only refer to as ‘mind numbing’ for me.
I do make the concession that in many ways this ‘numbness’ began a couple of years prior to my coming back ‘home.’ It goes back to various things I have already said in the past. The sort of person we become as adults are based on the things we experience throughout our lives, whether it is good or bad; self-inflicted or otherwise.
Unfortunately these ‘things’ we experience are not always an actual event. This point is especially true in the greater majority of what caused my personal downward spiral. In my case it was more often than not what and even how someone said something to me. It brings to mind one of the inspirational points that have become for me part of a guide that I strive to use when dealing with most situations. That being the quote… “People will not always remember what it was you said; but they will always remember how what you said made them feel.” And that is so true on so many levels.
We’ve all experienced those individuals that have been dubbed the ‘one uppers’, those people that no matter what you are talking about; they have done it and done it better than you. Those people that seemingly by nature have that condensational manner of approaching any and all situations. There are also those people who just seem to 'know everything', we've all met them, the 'know it alls.' I think we all know people like that and unfortunately they exist within our circle of friends and even in a lot of families; mine included on both counts. I believe the closer that person is to you within the family line, the more affect those words can have on you. It is that way at least for me.
The real lesson for me in this particular exercise is getting past the ‘coming to terms with’ a given situation, getting to the point where I am ‘past’ it. Just coming to terms with something means in reality that we have done nothing more than take that situation and tuck it away in that black box within our minds; we have not actually dealt with it.
Because in my opinion just ‘coming to terms’ with something can be compared to say a couple where one person brings home a puppy. The other person in this relationship does not want or maybe doesn’t even like the puppy. Yet they ‘come to terms’ with the fact that it is there and they just live with it.
When we simply allow ourselves to ‘come to terms’ with something, what we are really doing ignoring it. The major problem with that is the fact that when you least expect it, something happens to trigger it and those feelings that have been suppressed now come flooding out. These suppressed feelings and emotions sit back there in our minds, festering until the dam breaks. All too often they flood out in an uncontrolled torrent and the results can be devastating to everyone involved. Because once words are said, they can not ever be taken back.
Unfortunately the best way to deal with these situations is to confront them at the beginning; yet on the other hand it can also be the worst way. Why? Because and there are often too many other factors to consider and a direct confrontation at the moment does not take into consideration the long-term ramifications to those outside of the realm of the situation. Why? Because all too often a direct confrontation is too close to a reactionary or defensive approach to the situation.
A bit of a further evaluation on that would be the old game (by many names) of ‘Repeat’, which we’ve all played as grade school children. You can sit in a circle and start the conversation with one simple sentence whispered in the ear of the person next to you and by the time it gets back around to you it is nothing like what you said when you started the game. In a ‘real life’ or ‘social setting’ this can take on a darker meaning because I am well aware of the fact that there are people who allow their opinions of another person be governed by what they have ‘heard about’ that person, however wrong that may be.
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the main reason I have experienced certain levels of what I can only call ‘uncomfortable’ situations between others and myself. This has created a very big problem for me on more levels than I can even begin to list here. Primarily the point that concerns me most is on the familial level because family means so much to me. A situation that is further complicated by my own personal perception of family and who actually falls into that category.
Thus for me it is very important that I continue with this personal journey toward rediscovering the ‘me’ that was lost in all the turmoil that has ultimately upended my life. In the actual scheme of things, my first step is to strive to search backwards to find that point in my life where I could honestly say to myself that I was happy; then proceed with the process of (hopefully) identifying that particular ‘wrong turn’ that sent everything in the wrong direction.
One of my favorite descriptions of this event is getting out of the forest so you can see the trees. When we are overwhelmed or obsessed with something, our vision can become more and more narrow regarding the subject. I have discovered (if only recently) that simply walking away from something for a specified period of time is probably the best move a person can do in most situations. Naturally the more impact the situation has on our lives the harder it is to walk away, even for a short while. However, in the interest of self-preservation, this is exactly what needs to be done and especially when the situation is very ‘close to home’ so to speak.
Unfortunately, unlike the title of this particular post, I have not as of yet identified exactly what that starting point is for me. I cannot really put a finger on exactly when this ‘epiphany’ struck me that sent me down this particular path of my life’s journey. I can only identify what I believe are the factors that laid the ground work for my ability to actually step back and say to myself that I needed to do something.
Over this past summer, my Facebook Friends list has grown extensively as compared to the growth during the year between its creation and now. Among these friends can be found a friend that I had not seen or communicated with since High School, which in and of itself is not so much different than with most of the names and faces that appear on that list. However, I went to lunch with Darlene (Brown) Kissel, a young lady from my Graduating Class whom I did very much call a friend in that ‘way back then’ time period in my life.
I bring up that lunch because it was really a very nice time and I enjoyed myself a lot. Darlene is a really cool person and I hope we remain friends and share many more luncheons together in the years to come. As we sat there that day, just talking, doing some reminiscing (which often happens with old friends) I made the comment to her that I felt as if I had just woken up from a very long sleep and my mind had not yet grasped the new day so to speak. That is exactly how I felt about a great many things in my life at that point and still do in a many ways. Because over the last decade, primarily since my return to Ohio; there have been events that had the affects of what I can now only refer to as ‘mind numbing’ for me.
I do make the concession that in many ways this ‘numbness’ began a couple of years prior to my coming back ‘home.’ It goes back to various things I have already said in the past. The sort of person we become as adults are based on the things we experience throughout our lives, whether it is good or bad; self-inflicted or otherwise.
Unfortunately these ‘things’ we experience are not always an actual event. This point is especially true in the greater majority of what caused my personal downward spiral. In my case it was more often than not what and even how someone said something to me. It brings to mind one of the inspirational points that have become for me part of a guide that I strive to use when dealing with most situations. That being the quote… “People will not always remember what it was you said; but they will always remember how what you said made them feel.” And that is so true on so many levels.
We’ve all experienced those individuals that have been dubbed the ‘one uppers’, those people that no matter what you are talking about; they have done it and done it better than you. Those people that seemingly by nature have that condensational manner of approaching any and all situations. There are also those people who just seem to 'know everything', we've all met them, the 'know it alls.' I think we all know people like that and unfortunately they exist within our circle of friends and even in a lot of families; mine included on both counts. I believe the closer that person is to you within the family line, the more affect those words can have on you. It is that way at least for me.
The real lesson for me in this particular exercise is getting past the ‘coming to terms with’ a given situation, getting to the point where I am ‘past’ it. Just coming to terms with something means in reality that we have done nothing more than take that situation and tuck it away in that black box within our minds; we have not actually dealt with it.
Because in my opinion just ‘coming to terms’ with something can be compared to say a couple where one person brings home a puppy. The other person in this relationship does not want or maybe doesn’t even like the puppy. Yet they ‘come to terms’ with the fact that it is there and they just live with it.
When we simply allow ourselves to ‘come to terms’ with something, what we are really doing ignoring it. The major problem with that is the fact that when you least expect it, something happens to trigger it and those feelings that have been suppressed now come flooding out. These suppressed feelings and emotions sit back there in our minds, festering until the dam breaks. All too often they flood out in an uncontrolled torrent and the results can be devastating to everyone involved. Because once words are said, they can not ever be taken back.
Unfortunately the best way to deal with these situations is to confront them at the beginning; yet on the other hand it can also be the worst way. Why? Because and there are often too many other factors to consider and a direct confrontation at the moment does not take into consideration the long-term ramifications to those outside of the realm of the situation. Why? Because all too often a direct confrontation is too close to a reactionary or defensive approach to the situation.
A bit of a further evaluation on that would be the old game (by many names) of ‘Repeat’, which we’ve all played as grade school children. You can sit in a circle and start the conversation with one simple sentence whispered in the ear of the person next to you and by the time it gets back around to you it is nothing like what you said when you started the game. In a ‘real life’ or ‘social setting’ this can take on a darker meaning because I am well aware of the fact that there are people who allow their opinions of another person be governed by what they have ‘heard about’ that person, however wrong that may be.
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the main reason I have experienced certain levels of what I can only call ‘uncomfortable’ situations between others and myself. This has created a very big problem for me on more levels than I can even begin to list here. Primarily the point that concerns me most is on the familial level because family means so much to me. A situation that is further complicated by my own personal perception of family and who actually falls into that category.
Thus for me it is very important that I continue with this personal journey toward rediscovering the ‘me’ that was lost in all the turmoil that has ultimately upended my life. In the actual scheme of things, my first step is to strive to search backwards to find that point in my life where I could honestly say to myself that I was happy; then proceed with the process of (hopefully) identifying that particular ‘wrong turn’ that sent everything in the wrong direction.
Living Life Without Regrets…
It’s really a matter of perspective. I told myself a (very) long time ago that I would not allow myself to become burdened by the emotional distress of regrets. That’s a pretty tall order if you look at it strictly on the surface.
Personally for me, life without regrets simply means that I acknowledge the fact that my decisions or actions were done based on the information known at the time the decision or action was made and or done. How many times have we all said out loud or to ourselves that we would have done something differently if we had only been aware of a certain point or thing, I know I’ve done that thousands if not hundreds of thousands of times.
So does that mean that I am living with the regrets of those decisions or actions? No, not in the least. Because I know that I made the best decision possible based on the information that was available to me at the time I made that decision. Does that mean that I wish I could have done something differently? Yes, very much so!
I think we’ve all made the public or private comment that we would love to be able to go back and live some part of our lives over, knowing what we know now. Yet at the same time, the decisions we make, both good and bad have lead us to the place where we are today. All of that includes not just the physical but the emotional state we find ourselves. We get burned on a few things and we learn from them, some just need a few more lessons than others before we realize that we need to develop a different perspective on the situation.
I can put myself in that category so very easily. I have drummed my head against the preverbal brick wall about certain things far longer than most people. While I have moved past the concept of ‘self-blame’ when it comes to certain situations, I still have a bit of journey before I can fully reach the point where I am no longer governed by the ‘why’ concept.
I had a friend once tell me that I suffered from what is called ‘Paralysis of Analysis’ and he was very correct in his observations. There are no guarantees that once a problem has been identified that the solution will follow. Just because my personal affliction now had a name, it did not mean that I would find some simple answer or remedy. The true difficulty for me lies in my own inability to tell my brain to just shut up, sit down and listen. Meaning that in retrospect I’ve lost the ability to maintain the proper mixture of logic and emotion.
People cannot survive in a wholesome manner if these two concepts are not equally matched or balanced within our personal psychological infrastructure. If you operate on too much logic, we can lose the ability to empathize with the world around us. It works the same way with emotion; those that live their lives governed by emotion can very well become overwhelmed by the world around them.
Personally for me, life without regrets simply means that I acknowledge the fact that my decisions or actions were done based on the information known at the time the decision or action was made and or done. How many times have we all said out loud or to ourselves that we would have done something differently if we had only been aware of a certain point or thing, I know I’ve done that thousands if not hundreds of thousands of times.
So does that mean that I am living with the regrets of those decisions or actions? No, not in the least. Because I know that I made the best decision possible based on the information that was available to me at the time I made that decision. Does that mean that I wish I could have done something differently? Yes, very much so!
I think we’ve all made the public or private comment that we would love to be able to go back and live some part of our lives over, knowing what we know now. Yet at the same time, the decisions we make, both good and bad have lead us to the place where we are today. All of that includes not just the physical but the emotional state we find ourselves. We get burned on a few things and we learn from them, some just need a few more lessons than others before we realize that we need to develop a different perspective on the situation.
I can put myself in that category so very easily. I have drummed my head against the preverbal brick wall about certain things far longer than most people. While I have moved past the concept of ‘self-blame’ when it comes to certain situations, I still have a bit of journey before I can fully reach the point where I am no longer governed by the ‘why’ concept.
I had a friend once tell me that I suffered from what is called ‘Paralysis of Analysis’ and he was very correct in his observations. There are no guarantees that once a problem has been identified that the solution will follow. Just because my personal affliction now had a name, it did not mean that I would find some simple answer or remedy. The true difficulty for me lies in my own inability to tell my brain to just shut up, sit down and listen. Meaning that in retrospect I’ve lost the ability to maintain the proper mixture of logic and emotion.
People cannot survive in a wholesome manner if these two concepts are not equally matched or balanced within our personal psychological infrastructure. If you operate on too much logic, we can lose the ability to empathize with the world around us. It works the same way with emotion; those that live their lives governed by emotion can very well become overwhelmed by the world around them.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Rediscovery of "Self"...
I’ve heard it said many times over from different sources, mostly from some of my friends who have decided to ‘reinvent’ themselves for whatever reason. Personally, the problem with that concept is that in reality I actually used to like myself. The key word there would be ‘used’ to like myself. It’s not so much that I don’t like myself anymore as it is more along the lines of realizing that I’ve lost ‘me’ somewhere in everything that has happened in my life, more specifically over the last decade.
While I sincerely believe that the core of who we are is formed as small children, before we start going to school; it is more the things we experience throughout our lives that actually shape that core. While my family is no different than many other families, I can see how all of us are so different. In many ways it is almost as if we are not even related to each other. Each of our lives have taken a different road, filled with many twists and turns, shaping each of us from the children who grew up in the same house together into the adults we have become today.
It’s often not until we reach the bottom that we actually take the time to look up and see just how far we have fallen from the goals we only thought we were working toward. I think too that it’s not so much the ‘hitting the bottom’ in life so to speak that defines us as a failure, rather it is what you do with what you see once you actually take the time to look up, back toward the top of whatever abyss we have allowed ourselves to fall into.
While we’re standing down there, no longer so focused on ‘hanging on’ do we ask ourselves if we have the fortitude to actually make the climb back out? More importantly do we actually reach for that bottom rung and start that climb or do we sit down there drowning in all the same excuses that put us there in the first place?
This blog is part of that journey back to the top of my own abyss, because I do place a degree of the blame upon myself. For reasons that I have still yet to actually put a name to, I moved back to my home state of Ohio into a world that I did not actually feel a part of anymore. The worst part of it is that I had not felt a part of it for a very long time. It was this feeling of alienation that caused me to be silent about a great many things, which is not really a definitive part of my nature.
Over the last several weeks, with my Grandmothers illness and finally her passing, there has been much conversation between myself and those whose opinions I value greatly. These conversations have brought about some much needed soul searching, triggering various things within myself that have helped me realize just how much of a ‘robot’ I had allowed myself to become.
Throughout my life I have never had a problem speaking my mind when came to defending myself or even someone else that I thought was being wronged. However, I have been forced to actually re-evaluate a few things within myself. Historically, when it comes to family I have always been ruled by a simple concept “keep the peace at whatever cost’ and unfortunately the cost this time was me. So, while some may say that I am reinventing myself, I say I am merely rediscovering the real me.
Writing this blog is as much an exercise in focus as it is a memoir that can act as both my own personal anchor as well as perhaps an inspiration to anyone who happens to stumble onto it.
While I sincerely believe that the core of who we are is formed as small children, before we start going to school; it is more the things we experience throughout our lives that actually shape that core. While my family is no different than many other families, I can see how all of us are so different. In many ways it is almost as if we are not even related to each other. Each of our lives have taken a different road, filled with many twists and turns, shaping each of us from the children who grew up in the same house together into the adults we have become today.
It’s often not until we reach the bottom that we actually take the time to look up and see just how far we have fallen from the goals we only thought we were working toward. I think too that it’s not so much the ‘hitting the bottom’ in life so to speak that defines us as a failure, rather it is what you do with what you see once you actually take the time to look up, back toward the top of whatever abyss we have allowed ourselves to fall into.
While we’re standing down there, no longer so focused on ‘hanging on’ do we ask ourselves if we have the fortitude to actually make the climb back out? More importantly do we actually reach for that bottom rung and start that climb or do we sit down there drowning in all the same excuses that put us there in the first place?
This blog is part of that journey back to the top of my own abyss, because I do place a degree of the blame upon myself. For reasons that I have still yet to actually put a name to, I moved back to my home state of Ohio into a world that I did not actually feel a part of anymore. The worst part of it is that I had not felt a part of it for a very long time. It was this feeling of alienation that caused me to be silent about a great many things, which is not really a definitive part of my nature.
Over the last several weeks, with my Grandmothers illness and finally her passing, there has been much conversation between myself and those whose opinions I value greatly. These conversations have brought about some much needed soul searching, triggering various things within myself that have helped me realize just how much of a ‘robot’ I had allowed myself to become.
Throughout my life I have never had a problem speaking my mind when came to defending myself or even someone else that I thought was being wronged. However, I have been forced to actually re-evaluate a few things within myself. Historically, when it comes to family I have always been ruled by a simple concept “keep the peace at whatever cost’ and unfortunately the cost this time was me. So, while some may say that I am reinventing myself, I say I am merely rediscovering the real me.
Writing this blog is as much an exercise in focus as it is a memoir that can act as both my own personal anchor as well as perhaps an inspiration to anyone who happens to stumble onto it.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Introduction and Overview
While not nearly as old as the greater part of my “Cyber Life”, this particular blog has been deleted, recreated, rewritten, renamed and revamped numerous times since it was originally created approximately a year ago.
I have over the years created various blogs that were there for a particular purpose, referencing a specific issue or subject. Recently I have decided to pull them all together so to speak into one.
So while the title “My Life – A Work In Progress: A Personal Journey – A Personal Perspective” may possibly indicate some type of chronological order of my life, that is not in reality the case. I believe that like diamonds, we as human beings are multifaceted and quite complex.
While I wanted to combine all my 'viewpoints' into one blog, I also wanted to avoid creating some lengthy, mundane monolog that seemed to run on and on; merging one subject into another. Thus the result is one multifaceted blog divided into various subjects both related and otherwise, containing posts that are pertinent or significant to that specific subject or topic.
One of the largest inspirational factors for this process is “Acceptance is nice; Approval not required” which is a personal motto I created for myself a few years ago. Unfortunately it has taken me awhile to actually live by that particular sentiment. Recent developments however have removed the last of the remaining self-imposed constraints resulting in a wonderful new found freedom.
I think age is a big factor in some of that ‘newfound freedom’ as well. Once you reach a certain age you have a better perspective on some things.
I remember a poem of sorts that was circulating throughout the Internet a few years ago about the purple hat. It was very profound in it’s message. I really wish I could find it again because it is so very true.
Particularly in my case, when it talked about how we collect things over time, those special things we intend to keep for a special occasion that may not ever happen, things like fancy dishes, a pretty jacket or dress, you know, those sort of things. Well I agree with the message in the poem…
Don’t save those fancy dishes for a special occasion; don’t let them collect dust in the china cabinet. YOU are SPECIAL! Get them out, use them for breakfast, lunch AND dinner. Don’t leave that pretty jacket or dress in the closet so long that when you think you’ve found the right place or occasion to wear it, suddenly it don’t fit right anymore or the color has faded, etc. Where it to the supermarket, wear it to the post office, enjoy the compliments that you DESERVE now.
It spoke of friends as well. Remembering the friends that remember you. File the ones that don't in the past. Because time goes on, people WILL come and go in our lives. The ones that are no longer part of our lives, remember them with a fondness for the good times, don’t hold onto the bad times and move on. Find peace in the fact that not everyone is going to like you and you are not going to like everyone else and know that in reality, it doesn’t matter anyway!
I have over the years created various blogs that were there for a particular purpose, referencing a specific issue or subject. Recently I have decided to pull them all together so to speak into one.
So while the title “My Life – A Work In Progress: A Personal Journey – A Personal Perspective” may possibly indicate some type of chronological order of my life, that is not in reality the case. I believe that like diamonds, we as human beings are multifaceted and quite complex.
While I wanted to combine all my 'viewpoints' into one blog, I also wanted to avoid creating some lengthy, mundane monolog that seemed to run on and on; merging one subject into another. Thus the result is one multifaceted blog divided into various subjects both related and otherwise, containing posts that are pertinent or significant to that specific subject or topic.
One of the largest inspirational factors for this process is “Acceptance is nice; Approval not required” which is a personal motto I created for myself a few years ago. Unfortunately it has taken me awhile to actually live by that particular sentiment. Recent developments however have removed the last of the remaining self-imposed constraints resulting in a wonderful new found freedom.
I think age is a big factor in some of that ‘newfound freedom’ as well. Once you reach a certain age you have a better perspective on some things.
I remember a poem of sorts that was circulating throughout the Internet a few years ago about the purple hat. It was very profound in it’s message. I really wish I could find it again because it is so very true.
Particularly in my case, when it talked about how we collect things over time, those special things we intend to keep for a special occasion that may not ever happen, things like fancy dishes, a pretty jacket or dress, you know, those sort of things. Well I agree with the message in the poem…
Don’t save those fancy dishes for a special occasion; don’t let them collect dust in the china cabinet. YOU are SPECIAL! Get them out, use them for breakfast, lunch AND dinner. Don’t leave that pretty jacket or dress in the closet so long that when you think you’ve found the right place or occasion to wear it, suddenly it don’t fit right anymore or the color has faded, etc. Where it to the supermarket, wear it to the post office, enjoy the compliments that you DESERVE now.
It spoke of friends as well. Remembering the friends that remember you. File the ones that don't in the past. Because time goes on, people WILL come and go in our lives. The ones that are no longer part of our lives, remember them with a fondness for the good times, don’t hold onto the bad times and move on. Find peace in the fact that not everyone is going to like you and you are not going to like everyone else and know that in reality, it doesn’t matter anyway!
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