Rediscovery of "Self"...

I’ve heard it said many times over from different sources, mostly from some of my friends who have decided to ‘reinvent’ themselves for whatever reason. Personally, the problem with that concept is that in reality I actually used to like myself. The key word there would be ‘used’ to like myself. It’s not so much that I don’t like myself anymore as it is more along the lines of realizing that I’ve lost ‘me’ somewhere in everything that has happened in my life, more specifically over the last decade.

While I sincerely believe that the core of who we are is formed as small children, before we start going to school; it is more the things we experience throughout our lives that actually shape that core. While my family is no different than many other families, I can see how all of us are so different. In many ways it is almost as if we are not even related to each other. Each of our lives have taken a different road, filled with many twists and turns, shaping each of us from the children who grew up in the same house together into the adults we have become today.

It’s often not until we reach the bottom that we actually take the time to look up and see just how far we have fallen from the goals we only thought we were working toward. I think too that it’s not so much the ‘hitting the bottom’ in life so to speak that defines us as a failure, rather it is what you do with what you see once you actually take the time to look up, back toward the top of whatever abyss we have allowed ourselves to fall into.

While we’re standing down there, no longer so focused on ‘hanging on’ do we ask ourselves if we have the fortitude to actually make the climb back out? More importantly do we actually reach for that bottom rung and start that climb or do we sit down there drowning in all the same excuses that put us there in the first place?

This blog is part of that journey back to the top of my own abyss, because I do place a degree of the blame upon myself. For reasons that I have still yet to actually put a name to, I moved back to my home state of Ohio into a world that I did not actually feel a part of anymore. The worst part of it is that I had not felt a part of it for a very long time. It was this feeling of alienation that caused me to be silent about a great many things, which is not really a definitive part of my nature.

Over the last several weeks, with my Grandmothers illness and finally her passing, there has been much conversation between myself and those whose opinions I value greatly. These conversations have brought about some much needed soul searching, triggering various things within myself that have helped me realize just how much of a ‘robot’ I had allowed myself to become.

Throughout my life I have never had a problem speaking my mind when came to defending myself or even someone else that I thought was being wronged. However, I have been forced to actually re-evaluate a few things within myself. Historically, when it comes to family I have always been ruled by a simple concept “keep the peace at whatever cost’ and unfortunately the cost this time was me. So, while some may say that I am reinventing myself, I say I am merely rediscovering the real me.

Writing this blog is as much an exercise in focus as it is a memoir that can act as both my own personal anchor as well as perhaps an inspiration to anyone who happens to stumble onto it.

Introduction and Overview

While not nearly as old as the greater part of my “Cyber Life”, this particular blog has been deleted, recreated, rewritten, renamed and revamped numerous times since it was originally created approximately a year ago.

I have over the years created various blogs that were there for a particular purpose, referencing a specific issue or subject. Recently I have decided to pull them all together so to speak into one.

So while the title “My Life – A Work In Progress: A Personal Journey – A Personal Perspective” may possibly indicate some type of chronological order of my life, that is not in reality the case. I believe that like diamonds, we as human beings are multifaceted and quite complex.

While I wanted to combine all my 'viewpoints' into one blog, I also wanted to avoid creating some lengthy, mundane monolog that seemed to run on and on; merging one subject into another. Thus the result is one multifaceted blog divided into various subjects both related and otherwise, containing posts that are pertinent or significant to that specific subject or topic.

One of the largest inspirational factors for this process is “Acceptance is nice; Approval not required” which is a personal motto I created for myself a few years ago. Unfortunately it has taken me awhile to actually live by that particular sentiment. Recent developments however have removed the last of the remaining self-imposed constraints resulting in a wonderful new found freedom.

I think age is a big factor in some of that ‘newfound freedom’ as well. Once you reach a certain age you have a better perspective on some things.

I remember a poem of sorts that was circulating throughout the Internet a few years ago about the purple hat. It was very profound in it’s message. I really wish I could find it again because it is so very true.

Particularly in my case, when it talked about how we collect things over time, those special things we intend to keep for a special occasion that may not ever happen, things like fancy dishes, a pretty jacket or dress, you know, those sort of things. Well I agree with the message in the poem…

Don’t save those fancy dishes for a special occasion; don’t let them collect dust in the china cabinet. YOU are SPECIAL! Get them out, use them for breakfast, lunch AND dinner. Don’t leave that pretty jacket or dress in the closet so long that when you think you’ve found the right place or occasion to wear it, suddenly it don’t fit right anymore or the color has faded, etc. Where it to the supermarket, wear it to the post office, enjoy the compliments that you DESERVE now.

It spoke of friends as well. Remembering the friends that remember you. File the ones that don't in the past. Because time goes on, people WILL come and go in our lives. The ones that are no longer part of our lives, remember them with a fondness for the good times, don’t hold onto the bad times and move on. Find peace in the fact that not everyone is going to like you and you are not going to like everyone else and know that in reality, it doesn’t matter anyway!