While the term presents itself more like an oxymoron, it can have devastating affects on the target. It is a form of abuse no matter how you look at it. It is inflicted in both words and actions. While the aggressor in the situation may or may not even know the ‘why’ that this is happening, it is extremely frustrating for the individual ‘feeling’ the affects of their behavior. Passive aggression is used as a means of ‘controlling’ a situation but more often a person. While not applicable to everyone suffering from this behavior, an improper balance of narcissism is all too often to root of this behavior.
While narcissism itself is not always evil, when combined with angry or threatening emotions the narcissism is then played out through acts of passive aggression. More often than not, the narcissist has the need to remain aloof from the situation or person so that they can maintain that deception of noninvolvement. Therein lies the inability to identify the behavior, especially when it is not directed to you yourself. The ‘victim’ of this action is often ridiculed (however positively or constructively) that they have simply misunderstood what the ‘aggressor’ has said or done.
Whether anyone has ever studied or heard about Buddhist Spiritual beliefs, the world of television has provoked an interest in many of the teachings. Looking at the ratings, there are a lot people out there that enjoy the karate type movies. One of the quotes in an early Chuck Norris flick (repeated many times over in others) was “To take no action is an action” which is pulled directly from the teachings of Masters at Buddhist Temples all over the world.
However in reality there are specific signals and signs that identify the passive aggressor or the narcissist in your life. Personally I think the hardest part of attempting to identify these people and their actions is trying to ascertain the ‘why’ of it. Understanding why someone has a problem with you can make the process of dealing with the situation much easier, but that is a rarity. Simply because historically the aggressor is not going to sit down with you and actually address this situation in an objective manner. The key to dealing with these types of people is to simply to ‘take no action’ however difficult that may seem.
In my case most of the posts made so far in this blog have been brief discussions that have come as a result of having to deal with these types of people throughout most of my life; unfortunately they have been family members. Because of my own inherent inability to draw distinctive lines between what is in reality acceptable behavior within a familial definition. Meaning that I have historically forced myself to be extremely tolerant of this type of behavior from family members just because they are family and for absolutely no other reason. I believe this to be one of the major factors in why these situations tend to leave me with so much heart pain, because family can hurt me so much faster and deeper than anyone else just be virtue of being family.
I have historically suffered from an almost obsessive compulsive need to constantly ‘fix it’ to do whatever necessary ‘make the situation right’ even to my own detriment. I have never been able to put myself first in anything. Until only recently, when a situation ‘went wrong’ so to speak (and for the lack of better term right now) my immediate reaction to the situation or person was to put the blame on myself. I would completely convince myself that the only reason someone would interact with me in this manner was because of something that I did to him or her.
Convinced that I was ultimately responsible for the reason that this person was treating me this way. I would spend months, even years berating myself as I struggled within my own mind to figure out just what it was I did to make them do what they were doing. I never once considered the fact that I probably had absolutely nothing to do with it what so ever.
Since the renewal of various relationships that I have unwittingly allowed to become what I call ‘dormant’ I am now able to begin looking at many things differently, people included. The ‘suddenly waking up’ that I spoke briefly with Darlene about that day over lunch was my own personal epiphany. While it has been a long process, I can now look at things; people in particular, a lot differently. Rebuilding the platform of self-worth has been the foundation of this very personal and almost inspirational journey.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Finding or Identifying The Starting Point…
The trigger is different for everyone. Yet there are various points in all of our lives where we have experienced this sort of epiphany; a sudden realization or an abrupt leap of understanding. It is an experience that is usually triggered by a seemingly ordinary but striking occurrence in our lives. While ‘epiphany’ itself is a relatively new term for this, we have all experienced that moment of ‘a light just came on’ or ‘out of the blue’ something will hit us.
One of my favorite descriptions of this event is getting out of the forest so you can see the trees. When we are overwhelmed or obsessed with something, our vision can become more and more narrow regarding the subject. I have discovered (if only recently) that simply walking away from something for a specified period of time is probably the best move a person can do in most situations. Naturally the more impact the situation has on our lives the harder it is to walk away, even for a short while. However, in the interest of self-preservation, this is exactly what needs to be done and especially when the situation is very ‘close to home’ so to speak.
Unfortunately, unlike the title of this particular post, I have not as of yet identified exactly what that starting point is for me. I cannot really put a finger on exactly when this ‘epiphany’ struck me that sent me down this particular path of my life’s journey. I can only identify what I believe are the factors that laid the ground work for my ability to actually step back and say to myself that I needed to do something.
Over this past summer, my Facebook Friends list has grown extensively as compared to the growth during the year between its creation and now. Among these friends can be found a friend that I had not seen or communicated with since High School, which in and of itself is not so much different than with most of the names and faces that appear on that list. However, I went to lunch with Darlene (Brown) Kissel, a young lady from my Graduating Class whom I did very much call a friend in that ‘way back then’ time period in my life.
I bring up that lunch because it was really a very nice time and I enjoyed myself a lot. Darlene is a really cool person and I hope we remain friends and share many more luncheons together in the years to come. As we sat there that day, just talking, doing some reminiscing (which often happens with old friends) I made the comment to her that I felt as if I had just woken up from a very long sleep and my mind had not yet grasped the new day so to speak. That is exactly how I felt about a great many things in my life at that point and still do in a many ways. Because over the last decade, primarily since my return to Ohio; there have been events that had the affects of what I can now only refer to as ‘mind numbing’ for me.
I do make the concession that in many ways this ‘numbness’ began a couple of years prior to my coming back ‘home.’ It goes back to various things I have already said in the past. The sort of person we become as adults are based on the things we experience throughout our lives, whether it is good or bad; self-inflicted or otherwise.
Unfortunately these ‘things’ we experience are not always an actual event. This point is especially true in the greater majority of what caused my personal downward spiral. In my case it was more often than not what and even how someone said something to me. It brings to mind one of the inspirational points that have become for me part of a guide that I strive to use when dealing with most situations. That being the quote… “People will not always remember what it was you said; but they will always remember how what you said made them feel.” And that is so true on so many levels.
We’ve all experienced those individuals that have been dubbed the ‘one uppers’, those people that no matter what you are talking about; they have done it and done it better than you. Those people that seemingly by nature have that condensational manner of approaching any and all situations. There are also those people who just seem to 'know everything', we've all met them, the 'know it alls.' I think we all know people like that and unfortunately they exist within our circle of friends and even in a lot of families; mine included on both counts. I believe the closer that person is to you within the family line, the more affect those words can have on you. It is that way at least for me.
The real lesson for me in this particular exercise is getting past the ‘coming to terms with’ a given situation, getting to the point where I am ‘past’ it. Just coming to terms with something means in reality that we have done nothing more than take that situation and tuck it away in that black box within our minds; we have not actually dealt with it.
Because in my opinion just ‘coming to terms’ with something can be compared to say a couple where one person brings home a puppy. The other person in this relationship does not want or maybe doesn’t even like the puppy. Yet they ‘come to terms’ with the fact that it is there and they just live with it.
When we simply allow ourselves to ‘come to terms’ with something, what we are really doing ignoring it. The major problem with that is the fact that when you least expect it, something happens to trigger it and those feelings that have been suppressed now come flooding out. These suppressed feelings and emotions sit back there in our minds, festering until the dam breaks. All too often they flood out in an uncontrolled torrent and the results can be devastating to everyone involved. Because once words are said, they can not ever be taken back.
Unfortunately the best way to deal with these situations is to confront them at the beginning; yet on the other hand it can also be the worst way. Why? Because and there are often too many other factors to consider and a direct confrontation at the moment does not take into consideration the long-term ramifications to those outside of the realm of the situation. Why? Because all too often a direct confrontation is too close to a reactionary or defensive approach to the situation.
A bit of a further evaluation on that would be the old game (by many names) of ‘Repeat’, which we’ve all played as grade school children. You can sit in a circle and start the conversation with one simple sentence whispered in the ear of the person next to you and by the time it gets back around to you it is nothing like what you said when you started the game. In a ‘real life’ or ‘social setting’ this can take on a darker meaning because I am well aware of the fact that there are people who allow their opinions of another person be governed by what they have ‘heard about’ that person, however wrong that may be.
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the main reason I have experienced certain levels of what I can only call ‘uncomfortable’ situations between others and myself. This has created a very big problem for me on more levels than I can even begin to list here. Primarily the point that concerns me most is on the familial level because family means so much to me. A situation that is further complicated by my own personal perception of family and who actually falls into that category.
Thus for me it is very important that I continue with this personal journey toward rediscovering the ‘me’ that was lost in all the turmoil that has ultimately upended my life. In the actual scheme of things, my first step is to strive to search backwards to find that point in my life where I could honestly say to myself that I was happy; then proceed with the process of (hopefully) identifying that particular ‘wrong turn’ that sent everything in the wrong direction.
One of my favorite descriptions of this event is getting out of the forest so you can see the trees. When we are overwhelmed or obsessed with something, our vision can become more and more narrow regarding the subject. I have discovered (if only recently) that simply walking away from something for a specified period of time is probably the best move a person can do in most situations. Naturally the more impact the situation has on our lives the harder it is to walk away, even for a short while. However, in the interest of self-preservation, this is exactly what needs to be done and especially when the situation is very ‘close to home’ so to speak.
Unfortunately, unlike the title of this particular post, I have not as of yet identified exactly what that starting point is for me. I cannot really put a finger on exactly when this ‘epiphany’ struck me that sent me down this particular path of my life’s journey. I can only identify what I believe are the factors that laid the ground work for my ability to actually step back and say to myself that I needed to do something.
Over this past summer, my Facebook Friends list has grown extensively as compared to the growth during the year between its creation and now. Among these friends can be found a friend that I had not seen or communicated with since High School, which in and of itself is not so much different than with most of the names and faces that appear on that list. However, I went to lunch with Darlene (Brown) Kissel, a young lady from my Graduating Class whom I did very much call a friend in that ‘way back then’ time period in my life.
I bring up that lunch because it was really a very nice time and I enjoyed myself a lot. Darlene is a really cool person and I hope we remain friends and share many more luncheons together in the years to come. As we sat there that day, just talking, doing some reminiscing (which often happens with old friends) I made the comment to her that I felt as if I had just woken up from a very long sleep and my mind had not yet grasped the new day so to speak. That is exactly how I felt about a great many things in my life at that point and still do in a many ways. Because over the last decade, primarily since my return to Ohio; there have been events that had the affects of what I can now only refer to as ‘mind numbing’ for me.
I do make the concession that in many ways this ‘numbness’ began a couple of years prior to my coming back ‘home.’ It goes back to various things I have already said in the past. The sort of person we become as adults are based on the things we experience throughout our lives, whether it is good or bad; self-inflicted or otherwise.
Unfortunately these ‘things’ we experience are not always an actual event. This point is especially true in the greater majority of what caused my personal downward spiral. In my case it was more often than not what and even how someone said something to me. It brings to mind one of the inspirational points that have become for me part of a guide that I strive to use when dealing with most situations. That being the quote… “People will not always remember what it was you said; but they will always remember how what you said made them feel.” And that is so true on so many levels.
We’ve all experienced those individuals that have been dubbed the ‘one uppers’, those people that no matter what you are talking about; they have done it and done it better than you. Those people that seemingly by nature have that condensational manner of approaching any and all situations. There are also those people who just seem to 'know everything', we've all met them, the 'know it alls.' I think we all know people like that and unfortunately they exist within our circle of friends and even in a lot of families; mine included on both counts. I believe the closer that person is to you within the family line, the more affect those words can have on you. It is that way at least for me.
The real lesson for me in this particular exercise is getting past the ‘coming to terms with’ a given situation, getting to the point where I am ‘past’ it. Just coming to terms with something means in reality that we have done nothing more than take that situation and tuck it away in that black box within our minds; we have not actually dealt with it.
Because in my opinion just ‘coming to terms’ with something can be compared to say a couple where one person brings home a puppy. The other person in this relationship does not want or maybe doesn’t even like the puppy. Yet they ‘come to terms’ with the fact that it is there and they just live with it.
When we simply allow ourselves to ‘come to terms’ with something, what we are really doing ignoring it. The major problem with that is the fact that when you least expect it, something happens to trigger it and those feelings that have been suppressed now come flooding out. These suppressed feelings and emotions sit back there in our minds, festering until the dam breaks. All too often they flood out in an uncontrolled torrent and the results can be devastating to everyone involved. Because once words are said, they can not ever be taken back.
Unfortunately the best way to deal with these situations is to confront them at the beginning; yet on the other hand it can also be the worst way. Why? Because and there are often too many other factors to consider and a direct confrontation at the moment does not take into consideration the long-term ramifications to those outside of the realm of the situation. Why? Because all too often a direct confrontation is too close to a reactionary or defensive approach to the situation.
A bit of a further evaluation on that would be the old game (by many names) of ‘Repeat’, which we’ve all played as grade school children. You can sit in a circle and start the conversation with one simple sentence whispered in the ear of the person next to you and by the time it gets back around to you it is nothing like what you said when you started the game. In a ‘real life’ or ‘social setting’ this can take on a darker meaning because I am well aware of the fact that there are people who allow their opinions of another person be governed by what they have ‘heard about’ that person, however wrong that may be.
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the main reason I have experienced certain levels of what I can only call ‘uncomfortable’ situations between others and myself. This has created a very big problem for me on more levels than I can even begin to list here. Primarily the point that concerns me most is on the familial level because family means so much to me. A situation that is further complicated by my own personal perception of family and who actually falls into that category.
Thus for me it is very important that I continue with this personal journey toward rediscovering the ‘me’ that was lost in all the turmoil that has ultimately upended my life. In the actual scheme of things, my first step is to strive to search backwards to find that point in my life where I could honestly say to myself that I was happy; then proceed with the process of (hopefully) identifying that particular ‘wrong turn’ that sent everything in the wrong direction.
Living Life Without Regrets…
It’s really a matter of perspective. I told myself a (very) long time ago that I would not allow myself to become burdened by the emotional distress of regrets. That’s a pretty tall order if you look at it strictly on the surface.
Personally for me, life without regrets simply means that I acknowledge the fact that my decisions or actions were done based on the information known at the time the decision or action was made and or done. How many times have we all said out loud or to ourselves that we would have done something differently if we had only been aware of a certain point or thing, I know I’ve done that thousands if not hundreds of thousands of times.
So does that mean that I am living with the regrets of those decisions or actions? No, not in the least. Because I know that I made the best decision possible based on the information that was available to me at the time I made that decision. Does that mean that I wish I could have done something differently? Yes, very much so!
I think we’ve all made the public or private comment that we would love to be able to go back and live some part of our lives over, knowing what we know now. Yet at the same time, the decisions we make, both good and bad have lead us to the place where we are today. All of that includes not just the physical but the emotional state we find ourselves. We get burned on a few things and we learn from them, some just need a few more lessons than others before we realize that we need to develop a different perspective on the situation.
I can put myself in that category so very easily. I have drummed my head against the preverbal brick wall about certain things far longer than most people. While I have moved past the concept of ‘self-blame’ when it comes to certain situations, I still have a bit of journey before I can fully reach the point where I am no longer governed by the ‘why’ concept.
I had a friend once tell me that I suffered from what is called ‘Paralysis of Analysis’ and he was very correct in his observations. There are no guarantees that once a problem has been identified that the solution will follow. Just because my personal affliction now had a name, it did not mean that I would find some simple answer or remedy. The true difficulty for me lies in my own inability to tell my brain to just shut up, sit down and listen. Meaning that in retrospect I’ve lost the ability to maintain the proper mixture of logic and emotion.
People cannot survive in a wholesome manner if these two concepts are not equally matched or balanced within our personal psychological infrastructure. If you operate on too much logic, we can lose the ability to empathize with the world around us. It works the same way with emotion; those that live their lives governed by emotion can very well become overwhelmed by the world around them.
Personally for me, life without regrets simply means that I acknowledge the fact that my decisions or actions were done based on the information known at the time the decision or action was made and or done. How many times have we all said out loud or to ourselves that we would have done something differently if we had only been aware of a certain point or thing, I know I’ve done that thousands if not hundreds of thousands of times.
So does that mean that I am living with the regrets of those decisions or actions? No, not in the least. Because I know that I made the best decision possible based on the information that was available to me at the time I made that decision. Does that mean that I wish I could have done something differently? Yes, very much so!
I think we’ve all made the public or private comment that we would love to be able to go back and live some part of our lives over, knowing what we know now. Yet at the same time, the decisions we make, both good and bad have lead us to the place where we are today. All of that includes not just the physical but the emotional state we find ourselves. We get burned on a few things and we learn from them, some just need a few more lessons than others before we realize that we need to develop a different perspective on the situation.
I can put myself in that category so very easily. I have drummed my head against the preverbal brick wall about certain things far longer than most people. While I have moved past the concept of ‘self-blame’ when it comes to certain situations, I still have a bit of journey before I can fully reach the point where I am no longer governed by the ‘why’ concept.
I had a friend once tell me that I suffered from what is called ‘Paralysis of Analysis’ and he was very correct in his observations. There are no guarantees that once a problem has been identified that the solution will follow. Just because my personal affliction now had a name, it did not mean that I would find some simple answer or remedy. The true difficulty for me lies in my own inability to tell my brain to just shut up, sit down and listen. Meaning that in retrospect I’ve lost the ability to maintain the proper mixture of logic and emotion.
People cannot survive in a wholesome manner if these two concepts are not equally matched or balanced within our personal psychological infrastructure. If you operate on too much logic, we can lose the ability to empathize with the world around us. It works the same way with emotion; those that live their lives governed by emotion can very well become overwhelmed by the world around them.
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