While the term presents itself more like an oxymoron, it can have devastating affects on the target. It is a form of abuse no matter how you look at it. It is inflicted in both words and actions. While the aggressor in the situation may or may not even know the ‘why’ that this is happening, it is extremely frustrating for the individual ‘feeling’ the affects of their behavior. Passive aggression is used as a means of ‘controlling’ a situation but more often a person. While not applicable to everyone suffering from this behavior, an improper balance of narcissism is all too often to root of this behavior.
While narcissism itself is not always evil, when combined with angry or threatening emotions the narcissism is then played out through acts of passive aggression. More often than not, the narcissist has the need to remain aloof from the situation or person so that they can maintain that deception of noninvolvement. Therein lies the inability to identify the behavior, especially when it is not directed to you yourself. The ‘victim’ of this action is often ridiculed (however positively or constructively) that they have simply misunderstood what the ‘aggressor’ has said or done.
Whether anyone has ever studied or heard about Buddhist Spiritual beliefs, the world of television has provoked an interest in many of the teachings. Looking at the ratings, there are a lot people out there that enjoy the karate type movies. One of the quotes in an early Chuck Norris flick (repeated many times over in others) was “To take no action is an action” which is pulled directly from the teachings of Masters at Buddhist Temples all over the world.
However in reality there are specific signals and signs that identify the passive aggressor or the narcissist in your life. Personally I think the hardest part of attempting to identify these people and their actions is trying to ascertain the ‘why’ of it. Understanding why someone has a problem with you can make the process of dealing with the situation much easier, but that is a rarity. Simply because historically the aggressor is not going to sit down with you and actually address this situation in an objective manner. The key to dealing with these types of people is to simply to ‘take no action’ however difficult that may seem.
In my case most of the posts made so far in this blog have been brief discussions that have come as a result of having to deal with these types of people throughout most of my life; unfortunately they have been family members. Because of my own inherent inability to draw distinctive lines between what is in reality acceptable behavior within a familial definition. Meaning that I have historically forced myself to be extremely tolerant of this type of behavior from family members just because they are family and for absolutely no other reason. I believe this to be one of the major factors in why these situations tend to leave me with so much heart pain, because family can hurt me so much faster and deeper than anyone else just be virtue of being family.
I have historically suffered from an almost obsessive compulsive need to constantly ‘fix it’ to do whatever necessary ‘make the situation right’ even to my own detriment. I have never been able to put myself first in anything. Until only recently, when a situation ‘went wrong’ so to speak (and for the lack of better term right now) my immediate reaction to the situation or person was to put the blame on myself. I would completely convince myself that the only reason someone would interact with me in this manner was because of something that I did to him or her.
Convinced that I was ultimately responsible for the reason that this person was treating me this way. I would spend months, even years berating myself as I struggled within my own mind to figure out just what it was I did to make them do what they were doing. I never once considered the fact that I probably had absolutely nothing to do with it what so ever.
Since the renewal of various relationships that I have unwittingly allowed to become what I call ‘dormant’ I am now able to begin looking at many things differently, people included. The ‘suddenly waking up’ that I spoke briefly with Darlene about that day over lunch was my own personal epiphany. While it has been a long process, I can now look at things; people in particular, a lot differently. Rebuilding the platform of self-worth has been the foundation of this very personal and almost inspirational journey.
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